There is a cost to caring. When I give seminars on burnout and vicarious trauma to therapy professionals, I almost always see a group of earnest and caring individuals who also look completely exhausted.  We now have a label for this emotional exhaustion, “compassion fatigue”.  And in South Africa you don’t have to be a care worker to experience it.

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If you are sensitive to the inequalities of our society and its concomitant suffering, it’s likely you may feel a little overwhelmed and burnt out. Sometimes we can yoyo from annoyance to anger and then to our lovely Jewish guilt, and yet still struggle with wanting to help others and do the right thing. I know this space well. I’ve been in it most of my life, including periods of burnout when I questioned the relationship between doing seemingly meaningful activities (translate that to “helping others”) and pleasurable ones as banal as going for a walk.

Fortunately, there is much more awareness today of how we all need to include self care activities into our daily lives such as eating healthily, seeing friends and doing some exercise. I work with humanitarian workers and even these self sacrificing frontliners are accepting these as truths. And yet, there is still a high burnout rate amongst this population.

While Victor Frankl, a guru of mine for many years, teaches that happiness is a by-product of doing meaningful activities; I’ve found that while this is important it’s not enough to sustain ourselves over a lifetime of service. I know I’m not alone in receiving these types of values from my parents and my Jewish schooling. What I feel I was not taught there is that meaningful work done with guilt and a sense obligation, is not the best task master.

We give insufficient attention to the values of contentment and joy as our own personal guide when in relation to others. This is the opposite of selfish behaviour as this joy comes from wholehearted authentic connection with others, instead of because we know we “should”. A release of oxytocin following a positive connection is similar to the feeling we get when holding a baby.  Fortunately, my work at the Counselling Hub in Woodstock allows for many such connections.

The Counselling Hub is a project I co- created with the SACAP Foundation, and every day I leave with a sense of contentment. There are various reasons why it works both as a project and as a source of joy for me. In less than a year we have managed to see a thousand clients and attract highly capable and dedicated professional volunteers and students. Most importantly though we’ve had a shared vision and shared set of values as partners in this endeavour.  If not for this, something that is supposed to be “good” would be draining.

The partnership with Lance Katz of the SACAP Foundation is of the best type possible. His clarity of purpose and growth mind set encourages us all. We were also fortunate to find Shifra Jacobson co-ordinate the entire C- Hub. With her years of experience within the mental health space in South Africa, and her genuine dedication to the wellbeing of clients and volunteers, she has created a place where we can all thrive. And by this, I mean not just the clients.

This works as a source of joy because true work of this nature lies in recognising how we are all benefiting from the interaction with others. That it is collaborative, and that we are all students in this life. As such, we can be humble about our role in the relationship, and not put unrealistic expectations on ourselves to solve other people’s problems. Rather, what we can do is facilitate the work of our clients in helping them re-cognise their own incredible strengths.

The entry point for counselling is providing a safe and non judgemental relationship. This can also happen when we truly listen to a friend. Yet many of us are critical with ourselves. There is no individual who does not bear his own burdens. Yet instead of taking a moment to connect and realise we are all part of a shared humanity; a counsellor may instead conclude that she does not have any grounds to feel her own pain. This is taking our responsibility to others to a self flagellating and unhelpful place. How can we be compassionate to others but not to ourselves? When we release self judgement we make space for our own creative problem solving to emerge.

Self compassion (not self-pity), is essential to caring for others. We are truly blessed in our community to have people who are not just generous but are connected with the joy of giving in many different ways. My hope is that we grow not just in good intention, but in true connection to others and ourselves.

Romi Kaplan is a Board Member of Mensch, an NGO that supports Jewish change makers bringing their knowledge, skills and commitment to social justice to all in South Africa.